I was tagged by Lucy from The Princess Poet’s Life Adventures and it’s taken me ages to write this post. Funny how you can feel generally dissatisfied with things but still not be able to express your desires in any cohesive form!
1. I want to feel like me again
It’s been 3 years since small one came kicking and screaming into the world and life has changed immeasureably, largely for the better. But I miss the me who ran marathons for the buzz, started and completed craft projects. And I miss the friends that I did those things with.
2. I want to look like me again
I’m aware that I am a healthy weight and that thanks to my unfeasibly large, still not deflated after 12 months breastfeeding boobs, that I have the optical illusion of a small waist. But I’m a stone heavier than I was pre-pregnancy, when I was still carrying a good 1/2 stone of marathon fuelling pies and pasta. I want to lose enough weight, and more importantly tone up enough that I feel confident in my skin again. How I’m going to manage that when I can’t exercise properly due to my back is beyond me, as willpower is not a strength of mine… which brings me to my next “want”…
3. I want my back sorted
I’ve waited long enough. It’s been 3 years and 6 months since I started getting the twinges of SPD / disk pain / whatever they’ve decided it is now. I’ve had painkillers, physio, hydrotherapy, steroid injections, an MRI scan, denervation, acupuncture and I’ve been waiting over a year for disk provocation just to prove that it is a disk causing the problems. If that ever happens, then I guess I’ll have to wait another year for them to do something about it. I still worry that my disability is going to affect how people view me when I apply for jobs I’m overqualified for and I hate not exercising and the black moods and lack of confidence that brings.
4. I want more hours in the day
I need them. There must be a way to fit in working, sleeping, caring for a toddler and still finding time for yourself, right?
Finally, and probably the only one which is at all realistic right now….
5. I want my laptop to do as it’s told without question
My laptop has been all “computer says no” lately. It might be something to do with the coffee thrown over it when it was only a few months old, it might be the missing ‘O’ key that my loving daughter managed to slice off, it might even be going through an attitude phase like my sweet toddler girl… but it would be nice if I could get things done without waiting for it to catch up. Or leave it off charge for more than 10 minutes. Or be able to do anything without wanting to throw it through a window.
Wait, wait, wait… there’s one more!!
6. I want a knitting machine
Desperately, passionately… (worryingly?) More accurately, I want two as my mum wanted one first, and I’d feel honour bound to give her the first one as she gave me the first sewing table she found, even though it’s better than hers. Did I mention my mum’s amazing??
Actually, scrap all of that except the working laptop and knitting machine(s)! I’m bloody lucky – I have a loving partner, a fabulous and healthy daughter and stepchildren, family and friends who are there for me when I need them. I have friends who are in far worse positions. I guess what I really need is a reality check – someone to come along and shake me out of these black moods so I can actually make the most of the things and time I have.